We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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