I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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