after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
