You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
