Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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