Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
