Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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