my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
