Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
