Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We talked him into tasing himself.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
