You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
