sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
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Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
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I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
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