I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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