My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
she peed on how many people?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
NoShamevember. You game?
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
