I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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