My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
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