bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
