nut hugger
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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