i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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