Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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