Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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