Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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