I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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