They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
