Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize