the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
