if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
