You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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