i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
