My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
