I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
