I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
