I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I enjoy the company of your penis
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
