I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
