pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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