i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
