I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I'm passing your future prison.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
