i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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