I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
