fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
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