i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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