So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
