You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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