Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
