Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
