is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
