I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
what day is it and did you see me today?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
