Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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