I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
