My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
