I'm going to jail i love you
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
