Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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