i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
