I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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