I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
