Can i not drive my cunt home
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
